because I fear and let fear

I just stood there, listening to my heart beat, feeling my hands clenching tot he can of Baygone and watching the cockroach flipping around. Then I understood why I felt sorry for it yet I dont hesitate to spray insecticide on it when it moves towards me. I’m scared, and when fear takes over, I dont function on logic, I just let instincts take over. I rush for the can of Baygone, I spray at the cockroach, I keep a distance and watch it struggle and let myself feel like a murderer. then if the creature still has a good amount of vitality and scurries towards me, the fear comes back and I’ll spray an even more generous amount. Because now its not just my fear of the subject matter, its also another feeling of being invaded.

i should stop letting my long list of fears take over mymind and disrupting my usually logical behaviors.

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