full circle

I’m really not emo-ing or crying. I’m just in my room, enjoying the evening breeze, sorting my thoughts out. Then my mum came into the room with a bottle of chicken’s essence for me and sat down on the bed beside where I laid and started talking,

“You really have to take better care of yourself because nobody will love you more than themselves (even your dad and I). It doesnt mean we dont love you, it just means our brain still holds onto the primary survival instinct. Nobody on earth can love as selflessly as you have been doing. Nobody (not even your dad and I) will intentionally ‘steal’ those cancer-inducing bubble tea pearls from their loved ones, or purposely stand right in the direction of the sunlight to block UV rays, or stuff themselves with all the unhealthy food around so the others wont have to eat in excessive amounts. Only you my sweet silly girl, do all these things for people she love unconditionally and silently.

I’ve never told you this before, because I know you’ll be embarrassed about it and that’ll risk you becoming more socially awkward. But I know and I love how sweet and caring you are but never felt you needed to be appreciated. But you’re human too, I just want you to know that many will not understand your way of caring, but I’ve seen it in you since you’re young and I think that makes you special. I’m telling you this because I think you’re now an adult and you dont deserve to spend the rest of your life deserving less appreciation than you actually do. And I also want to make amends for saying all the mean things to you and never praising you, I really didn’t know what I intended to ensure you’re humble made you feel inferior.

I’m not sure if its because we taught you to be independent or that we’ve never made the home a conducive place for you to share your worries or simply because you have the habit of sharing happiness but never sadness. I think its the later because your brother is very different from you. Past few months you just seem exceptionally weary and vulnerable. I wont force you to share because that’ll be forcing you to do something out of character when you’re already in a bad shape. But should you feel like you cant bear the emotions alone anymore, I’ll always be around to listen. Its ok to be dependent on people for some emotional support.

You have a good balance of logical and emotional aspects in your personality but they dont mix because you always try to suppress your emotions. You always listen to your mind, so deep down your heart’s needs are always deprived hence you find it hard to strike a balance between your logics and feelings. I’m not saying its a flaw. I’m just saying its ok for you to not think about whats good for others and just do whats good for yourself. Because that’ll perhaps be good for others too, because they get to see you weak and scared, know you better and have their emotions overwhelmed by your feelings. You see, even now you’re fighting the urge to cry, you have big, clear and bright eyes, its impossible to hide it when you get teary. But you always fight the urge to cry, and when you know you’re about to cry, you just go all silent.”

Thank you mum. ❤ you probably wont know this feels like getting a verbal hug of acceptance for who I am. I really appreciate this. Thank you.

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