I’m done.

I started out the day feeling quite empty as usual.. especially when one of your terrapin likes to crawl into my room, onto my bed and sleep beside my pillow. it also likes to bite my thighs, at the very same spot you used to like to poke/caress/touch. then the idea that popped up in yesterday’s conversation came to mind. Pets are believed to be connected with their owner(s). Does that mean you miss me?

BUT. whatever. those who have witnessed it are right. I’m being taken for granted; my efforts, my compromises and my personality. all your saying words of appreciation don’t mean a thing when you never accepted me for who I am, you never accepted the me you fell in love with, if you did, why did you try to change me? Why did you find faults and why did you imagine faults?

when I said that I love you for who you are, I meant my words and I know the weight of it. And of course, I say it without wanting to change you or expecting you to change.

somebody told me,

“I’ve known him for some time and I know 2 of his ex-es. His relationships dont last very long. hes very temperamental and emotional. he has very strong believes, sometimes extreme and radical. and he has unrealistic expectations of his partner. cannot smoke, drink, club, sleep around, etc. Then after that the girl must be caring, smart, fun and able to compromise to his schedule, read his mind, adapt to his every mood and situation and be hyper sensitive about his thoughts.”

then another friend said,

“Yeah, even I can tell. Before you guys got together, your optimism, the way you care and help everybody out is what he likes. When you became a couple, all these dont matter anymore, he just needed you to fit into his ideal image of a girlfriend. Like sometimes when you get stressed and rock the chair abit, you get scolded. Like you can hang out till 2/3a.m when hes around but without him you cant. Hes like a controlling father. In short, he took you for granted.”

if its just me having that thought, i can say its my biased opinion. but when 3rd parties can tell me the same things. I think its really not just me.

this is why I believe in waiting for the 1 true love and making it last till the end. because every heartbreak leaves a scar, breaks the heart and makes it smaller with lesser room for love and to love. By the time you’re with me, you’re only left with a scrap of brokenness. Topped it off with your believe of you being morally superior and your stubbornness. Its really pointless for me to even try anymore.

even if you do end up with a change of heart and we are given another chance to make things work. so what? You directly shaped your reality. I’m sure many have been trying or tried to make it better, but your attitude just resulted in your current reality. if you refuse to put down your pride to listen to people who truly care about you and reflect on your behavior, you’ll be stuck in this circle of error for the rest of your sad and sorry life.

you know what I think resulted in your relationship with the girl before me to end? your career dissatisfaction/dilemma/crisis. you took her for granted, you expected her to suddenly know how to deal with you not communicating properly and adopting a new set of expectations. thats why you both grew distant. because she can nolonger deal with you and you were too proud to fight for her back into your life. I may be wrong, but thats what i really think at this point of time.

I’m done trying. I’m done clinging onto hope. I’m done crying. I’m done thinking I didnt do enough, I’m done thinking its my fault and my personality ‘fakeness’.

Its not me, its you. you just dont see it. and i doubt you ever will.

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