last day of april; things I’ve come to understood once more

time really flies. I made it through what I thought will leave me eternally weeping. Of course, it couldnt have been possible without the help of my friends. they were there for me, reminded me that there are many people going through worst than me and reminded me of what I’ve always wanted to do; and that really motivated me to be ok again so I can help the others in need.

yesterday was a temporary relief from the hectic homework rush. hung out abit with a good friend, bought myself some yummy snacks. had a good talk, and felt like I was living and thinking again.

1. I’d rather be alone than with people who are selfish. E.g those who ask but are not concern, just curious. Advice just to appear wise. Hears without listening, speaks without thinking, hugs without meaning. Promises without intention/honour. Criticizes without self-reflection. Self-centred (expect people to revolve around time, expect people to accommodate/compromise all the time, etc). Popularity whores, etc, etc. So in short, I pretty much rather be alone most of the time.

2. Concluding issues about a person’s personality through consolidating feedback from acquittance/friends/family WITHOUT input from personal feelings IS VERY DIFFERENT from condemning a person through your own judgement. When you exercise the later, it just means the same evil exist within you. I dont mean to boast. I’m glad I’m usually, *notes* USUALLY belong to the first type I’ve mentioned. Not saying that I’m perfect. Just glad that I’m logical and my mind forms conclusions more holistically and the vast majority of constantly excessively emotional who let feelings get the better of their heads.

3. Words said under the influence of the novelty effect should never be trusted. (Then again. I think its scary how I’m not receptive to alot of these ‘feelings’ that makes us ‘human’.)

4. I’m a docile person; I avoid arguments, I’m happy to compromise than speak up to have things go my way all the time, I’m usually easy-going. THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME A PUSH-OVER. I have a quiet ball of fury in me too. I keep it under control by trying to express myself; or at least try to warn people of my boundaries by allowing emotions to take over for a little while and be translated onto reality through my physical form.

A: You’re right, on yahoo messenger during the first week, you’ve screwed up. And always will. I don’t even see the need to elaborate. You disgust me.

J: You’re a selfish popularity whore. Just like everybody working in your line of profession.

Y: You’re another popularity whore, with bad time management and organization skills. At least you’re real and honest.

E: Bloody attention seeking, immature, spoilt, self-centred, drama loving popularity whore.

J: Unprofessional, immature and fake. Shame on you for being so old.

Sometimes I wonder why I’m more affected by how others are feeling and form conclusions based on gathered ‘data’ of emotions instead of using my own feelings. I can frankly say that most of the time, I have no feelings for people. That’s why I can seldom form a purely personal viewpoint. Its strange how I’m more emotionally provoked by events rather than people. I’m not sure if its because I’m simply cold/heartless or that I’ve been taught to believe my feelings dont matter in this huge world that I dont give them importance/attention.

I’m sure those who really know me have heard/read about my thoughts to torture animal abusers, poachers, hunters, etc. Its seriously ‘none of my business’. firstly, I dont know the animals personally, I dont live in the rainforests, etc. BUT ITS WRONG. That’s why they must be punished.

What scares me more is how emotional I can be when I’m with people I care about. I remember the strong urge to squeeze paint on J and splash dirty paint water in her face. I remember how I wanted to slap S on the face for making use of him. I remember how I wished for those troublemakers to be beaten up by true blue thugs outside next time they attempt to bully people. I remember wanting to make those whom made him feel so miserable during his childhood learn that they are scums and be haunted by guilt and never hurt him again. etc etc.

cow, “I think you’re heavily shaped by your past. But your thoughts, intentions and actions are hard to understand regardless of the constant good intentions behind them. Doesn’t help when for some reason you take very long to let people into your world and you like to cut people who managed to figure you out more than you’d like them to out. And whats worst is that your heart is so seldom used, its rusty when you decide to use it to make judgments. Your clear, bright all seeing eye and harp mind completely malfunctions when you put your heart on shift.”

Well-done long time friend. You summarized most of me in so little words and make it sound quite graceful. But this bullshit has gotta end. alot of people are gonna be discarded from my life. Even teenage best friends who claims to be ‘sisters’.

Basically. Every human has 3 levels of ‘personality’. The Id, the Ego and the Super-ego. Lets me elaborate..

My Id; The primary instinct/nature; the part that makes us akin of beasts, the inner most ‘evil. The true nature of us; what gives us gratification/pleasure. I’ll be honest about it. I’m passive/lazy. I hate conforming to rules. I love being free. I love being in control of my life.

My Ego; What be believe we should be. My take on it is behavior that liberates us from moral guilt OR actions that makes us feel like a ‘good’ person/somebody we think we should become. For me, its simple. I derive moral gratification from the knowledge that I’ve made life happier/better/easier for the people around me. I’ll be freed from guilt knowing that I’ve not done anything wrong to hurt somebody intentionally.

My Super-ego; The ‘ultimate personality’ we think we should become. For me, its a wise, helpful, humane person who has the power to influence, inspire and solicit good from people I interact with. I know I’m not there yet, and I haven’t exactly got a defined path to achieving it. But that’s where I’d eventually like to be.

If you’re a person who likes to judge and condemn, please get the fuck out of my blog. get the fuck out of my life just like my ex-boyfriend. I’m really sick and tired of trying to explain myself to people. I have no such obligations. I can’t control people’s thoughts and opinions and what they speak of me. so the least I could do for myself is to stop allowing myself to feel miserable because their judgement has hurt me on all 3 levels of my personality. You evoked my id’s nature and that will mean you’ve lost me.


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