Have you ever?

In the past 2 months, have you ever…

1. Missed me?
2. Questioned if your judgement about me was wrong?
3. Reflected on how small and insecure you’ve made me feel since I entrusted my heart to you?
4. Wondered what are the intentions behind my actions?
5. Disgust yourself for not getting over YOUR idea of who I am and see me for who I REALLY am.
6. Question yourself if you’ve taken me for granted.
7. Walk through various places and be reminded of all the empty promises you made to me. And then you realize even more how every time you kill my self esteem a bit more when you say your family says I’m a distraction in your life and you not defending against it.

etc, etc.. There is just so much to say but never to be said again..

These are just a few of the things you said we could do together once you have time…

1. Fly a kite together
2. Go to the beach together
3. Resort world Sentosa (I’m happy if you just remembered, I dont want expensive dates.)
4. Prepare food and have a picnic
5. Bake together
6. Go shopping for your formal wear together
7. Tumblr, Blogthings, Youtube, read Yahoo news, etc all things virtual together.
8. Take lots of pictures (polaroid and non polaroid) together
9. Scrapbook together
10. Have pizza at the restaurant at NEX together.
11. Chilling at your place so I can cook for you and massage your back and legs.
12. Prawning together, just the two of us
13. Watch Thor and X-Men first class together
14. Take long walks together
15. Read together

etc, etc, etc… I was just patiently waiting for the bad times to be over while trying to make you happy. I know I’m not much of a help. Keeping silent was just my way of trying to not stress you. Lying about my phone malfunctioning is just so you wont spend money to buy me a phone. Not telling you about the curry was just so we wont quarrel. Not telling you I have to be back home early that day for first dinner together since my brother returned from France was so you wont rush through your day’s plans. Sucking in all your insults and insensitive remarks as much as possible was because I wanted to let you vent your frustrations. Rebutting only when it got to the point I got so hurt that I just broke down; just to keep whatever remains of my dignity, its not even pride anymore.

things I’ve wanted to confront you but decided to wait till things got better…

1. Didnt you know that I am very self conscious about the way I speak and who I share my heritage with because I got teased and ostracized because of the indonesian chinese accent that I tried so hard and for so long to kick? And that I got called very aweful names because I was simply being who I am. Why did you forget? What resulted in you stop seeing how I try to be as secure with myself as possible everyday? Or did not you listen to me simply because back then you thought we’ll just be friends forever?
2. Didnt you that I keep quiet not because I’m playing mind games, I really dont know what to say. Why do you always interpret/analysis me according to the benchmarks your ex-girlfriends have set?
3. Why do you suddenly hate the way I tried to help out at the shop? When we were friends, you said I put in effort for every task, then suddenly, you said I’m lazy and not fast enough.

Things I did to make the relationship work without telling you because I dont see the need to ‘claim credit’…

1. nvm.. I dont feel like penning them down.

You say so many aweful things about me that always made me cry. Have you treated me with the same magnanimity I have constantly put into the relationship? You broke my bag’s carrying case, I’ve not gotten angry. When I unknowingly used a kitchen cloth for the first time ever to wipe the already damaged non-stick pan (simply because the cheese cloth nolonger works), you blame me for damaging the pan. I forgave you for all the hurtful and mean things you’ve said to me and NEVER EVER used them against you. I always overlook your mistakes and see you for who you are and not what you momentarily become when you’re upset. Does that make me a fake? Do I deserve to be judged like how you did to me? You claim to forgive, but you never meant it, you just bury it deep inside, pretended it didnt bother you, letting it grow out of control inside you, refusing to acknowledge the problem and fixing it. Then it clouded your heart and eyes.

By the way, the reckless bus driver that I thanked never-the-less? I encountered him again on my way home one day, he recognized me and thanked me for making his day better that day. Because earlier on that journey, a bastard hurled vulgarities at him, pointed the middle finger at him and kicked the driver’s seating area because he requested of him to give up a seat to an old man. Thank goodness I thanked him despite your disapproval.

Despite everything I’ve said. I really despise and disgust myself. Because I chose to enter a relationship with you despite knowing right from the very start you’re a skeptic and cynic and a bad tempered, hot headed man. Even at this point after you’ve made me cry over and over again, I still love you and will take you back and accept you for who you are. At least now I’m not so soft on you anymore. I wont relent without an apology.

But you know. You’ll never know all these. Because I’m just a 5 week old girlfriend that you hate for being ‘fake’ and you’ve easily gotten over. Given my plain jane personality. I’m probably already forgotten. So whatever. Just my luck to let my stupid heart make bad decisions and not listen to my less stupid mind.

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