I believe life is about choices. even saying that you’ve got no choice is a choice. There maybe certain reasons or compulsions that results in these choices. But never say you have no choice.

mum, you CHOSE to work. you CHOSE to be competitive at your workplace. you CHOSE to prolong this misery. so stop acting like venting your frustrations form work on me is beyond your control. If you say you feel like venting the anger out, I’d happily let you. but dont say you dont have a choice and you didn’t mean to stress me out. I have never ever raised my voice at you ‘unintentionally’ because of the shit I encounter outside. when I do lose my cool once in a blue moon, that is because you keep making me do something I dont want to do, despite me telling you I dont. So raising my voice, losing my temper is my choice of not taking it in silently anymore. I have NEVER EVER used a personal attack on you because I felt frustrated.

stop trying to control me just to feel like you have control over your life and your job. It might have started off as purely concern and love. but it mutated to a control freak trying to keep her life in check.

this also applies to many people in my life. My dad, him, etc. and you know what? We all know alot of things in life are beyond our control, but what is within our control, alot of us dont take full ownership of it.

Job/career for example. I discovered that I enjoy arts and teaching more than fashion. so I left that behind me for good. I’m doing what I know I’m enjoying. I’m prepared for the crap I have to go through persueing my diploma and degree. Its my choice. I take full accountability for my learning. If i choose to rest and neglect my homework, I am fully responsible. I only blame me and me alone. But Dad, remember how you claimed family is a burden to work? Remember when you decided to focus abit more on family and your business took a blow and you got grumpy? Are you sub consciously or intentionally saying spiteful words such as me not respecting you and not fearing you as much because you’re earning a fraction of what you used to bring home? Nvm…

all the shit for the past 6 to 12months will probably persists. people wont change. people will just go into hardcore denial mode because a plain jane with barely any social experience pointed out a problem that they secretly agree to but too prideful to admit. whatever.

you see. even right now. I could be smashing bowls and plates like what you did infront of me, to me. but I didnt. I chose the more civil and private way to sort out my thoughts. virtual diary aka blogging aka cyber ranting in my private space. I dont have to share my misery with people or spread it to people to feel better or to feel like I’m not alone and hence comforted.

if misery likes company. I’ll stand up against it. every single day I’m consciously making a choice to spread positivity and happiness. It has never changed and it will never change. (maybe there’ll be days when I run out of fuel and have my emotional break downs. I’m human. I’m not trying to seek attention. I just have no more motivation to smile. If I somehow figured a way to. I’ll be on my way to hypocrisy.)

ok. done ranting. well done to some of the immature, insensible grown ups in my life. Thanks for making me this way.

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