As of 22nd May 2011

“Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
-Joseph, Princess Diaries.-

You know what? You wanted time, I gave you eternity. You needed space, I gave you the universe. You wanted to ensure my safety, I reported everything little thing I do to you, I gave up Europe trip so you wont worry. You said you were worried about what my parents will think of you and of us, I tried everything I could to make sure you didn’t have to worry about finances regarding the relationship. What did you say to me?

“I’m really tired. It’ll help me sleep awhile longer if you dont send me pointless sms-es and just let me know when you reach school.”

Ok, you wanted me to be more considerate, I did. I gave my utmost to help you rest and relax. You were so insecure and paranoid of me leaving. So I did everything I thought could help you sense my commitment, to help you have faith. To ensure you that your heart is in good hands. Only to get told that I’m not good enough again.

“This is damn annoying. There must be a mental block, if not why cant you allow me to do it?”

Its a mixture of insecurities, low self esteem, fear of disappointing you, clash of religious and moral believes VS hoping to ease your doubts, strengthen our bond and please you. When this field is concerned, we’re of totally different stand-points. To you, its probably a norm, probably to other girls you were with as well. but not to me. Its something I really value and wanted to present to the person I’m spending the rest of my life with. Forget it, it seems like you didnt understand and didnt bother to try to understand.

You know why this blog is called ‘Promesse cramoisie’?. It means crimson promise. What better describes blood than crimson? And to me, blood is directly linked to life, a crimson (aka bloody) promise/vow is a vow meant to be kept for life. Like how Jesus said, “Take this; this is my blood, drink this in memory of me”. I made a promise of lifetime commitment to you with my blood, with my life. You said you’ll never take any thing for granted. Guess what followed?

“Can you be more sensitive of your surroundings? I have enough to worry about, the last thing I want to worry about is you.”

I made it a habit. So much to the extent I become paranoid and doubly uncomfortable around people. You know, I wasnt trying to prove that I’m smart or athletic by trying to learn Tai Ji as quickly as possible, I wanted to be able to defend myself so you wont have to worry about me as much. But apparently it isnt enough to please you. I tried being as verbal as possible around people, then you said I dont know when to shut up, when I kept quiet, you said I wanted to appear independent and tough. I’ve also been trying my best to not make you worry about me. I avoid making you listen to my worries, I know there are many things I cant help with, so I just made sure I was there for you, to listen. And to give you a smile, encouragement and optimism. Remember what you said to me?

“You dont have to do anything, dont have to try anything. Just be yourself, do what you normally do, be here with me like you usually are. Thats enough”

YOU TOLD ME TO BE MYSELF. THEN YOU JUDGE ME. Not just once. but all the time. When I changed/tried to change for you. YOU CALLED ME A LYING HYPOCRITE. You said I’m fake and I’m a chameleon.

You know what? Before you point the finger of blame, just reflect on your words and actions…

#1. You idealized me. Hence the unhappiness with my being.

#2. You get so emotional and irrational that you have no clue what you’ve said or done to me. Hence you don’t think you’re to blame.

#3. You really take all the little things I’ve done in silent to make things smooth sailing for granted.

You asked why I wont ever listen to you? You know what? You think I dont listen to you. I actually listen to you all the time. Your thoughts and believes became my daily commandments. Hence my feeling incompetent, and inadequate as a girlfriend. On the contrary, you were the one who doesnt know how to listen. Everything I say or try to say is labeled as an excuse. Just because you told me of your fears doesnt make it a disclaimer that gives you the right to justify your ever growing demand of me.

There are other things I’ve felt maligned and wronged but I shall conclude this. I’ve gotten a good view of reality and I should get this off my chest for good and make better use of my time and efforts.

I’m done blaming myself entirely. I’m nolonger under this state of brain wash and dogmatism. I’m done being taken for granted. (: I need to rebuild my self esteem, I revoke the significance you were entitled to and certainly you cant make me feel unworthy or inferior again.

You know, if not for your psychotic out of the blue break-up. I probably would have blindly sealed an agreement of a disastrous future with you right after I turn 21. I make have spent 2months and a wee bit more crying and feeling down. But really, its a blessing in disguise. I was slowly able to see with clarity again. When you accused me of being sore about the break-up, I’d have laugh over your complacency if not for my then overwhelming stupidity to be upset over this madness. I was never upset because I’m the ‘dumpee’, back then, clarity was slowly returning to me and I could see the faults I couldnt see, I merely tried to point it out; good-will from a concerned point of view. Oh wells. whatever.

P.S. dont you dare call me a fake, hypocrite or liar.


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