first day off

maybe I’ve really been too active the past 6months or so. when vacation started and I had all the time in the world to sleep, read, listen to music, catch up with doing things I enjoy. I really felt like all my wounds and scars are starting to heal slowly but steadily.

and I had to be retarded and go apply for a job at drains the life out of me for the sake of $7/hr thinking I could make myself feel better if I had abit more money in my bank to give me a false sense of security and comfort.

then the nostalgic ‘sensation’ of fatigue returns. I have this problem with feeling responsible for my projects on task (yes, even something as ‘lowly’ as selling you a pseudo high end branded overrated dress) No matter how much I hate it. Weird enough, I stick to it, thinking what cant kill me can only make me stronger. Like-wise fo rmy previous job, people interaction isnt my passion, my culinary skills never extend beyond cooking for myself and sometimes my family. But again, thinking money can make me feel safe, I took up a job that ended up creating this huge crater of regrets in my life.

Its really hard to balance time, money, energy (I’m referring to power/control and freedom of course the physical state too). Me, for example, I’ve always wanted to travel every little corner of the world. and theres this somewhat mathematical theory a friend and I discussed.

Youth: Time and Energy are present. whats absent is money. Then you hit adulthood; Energy and money is present but no time off form work and family commitments. Then finally at old age, you have the time and lots of lifetime savings stashed in the bank but you’re nolonger as active or as healthy as you’d like to be hence unable to embark on those adventures you’ve always dreamed of.

life is pretty sad isnt it? If you pursue something you so desire, it’ll always have to be at the expense of another person’s misery or sacrifice. At the same time, in any form of human bonds, when both or more parties all make sacrifices for each other, we call it compromise (supposedly the human self-consolation term for fair sacrifice?) I wonder…

anyways, thats why kinda brings me back to thinking today on my day off that my initial decision to work hard, save up, go on adventures and then eventually finding a rural/forested area to retire alone with my domesticated animals is a right choice. because when my life is coming to an end, I’d by then hopefully nurture the animals to be strong, dependable and joyous creatures that will inspire their new owners to spread the wonders of animal companions and this will trigger a chain of positive cycle and eventually make the world a better place, while I’ll just quietly spend my remaining days alone and not burdening anybody with inconveniences of cleaning up my death and let my corpse return to the soil as part of the carbon cycle and nourish the land that I’ve spent my remaining days on.

Of course, I have to admit, the short lived dream when I thought there was a person for me was sweet while it lasted but in every sense I am labeled by people for acquired taste. And I guess its true, trying to look back on a normal person’s point of view, its atypical and one-sided. If my friends are glad its over and I’m back to my usual self, I should be too, because whatever I’m not happy with is at least making people I cherish happy.


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