being internally neutral

you may say I’m jaded, but I often think being alone is better. my family has time after time again steered my thoughts in that direction.

you see, when you’re with people, you experience happiness. Undeniable. but along with it comes disappointment, frustration, time wastage, anger, sadness, hurt. Being alone on the other hand, doesn’t mean loneliness or sadness. it simply means you’re in your natural state, a state of neutral emotions.

maybe my mind is beginning to be truly no longer young, I’m no longer seeking the rush of experiencing a full spectrum of emotions. I wish to be neutral 95% of the time. Or perhaps theres this part of me that is resistant to growing up, the refusal to stop believing in those ‘happily ever after’ ending; whereby everybody will never get hurt or ever cry again.

happiness itself is very subjective. to a homeless, its just a place of shelter, where this wandering ship and dock. to a man who owns everything, its discovering something new to own.

For me, happiness is just to live in serenity. no troublesome inter personal matters, direct straight to the point conversations, a good book, freedom from pointless things in life and shelter from everything fake and scary. Deep down, I am a timid person who arms herself with a scythe or a spear and rampages her way to safety. keeping my enemies/fears that a distance, knowing that I’m actually defenseless. I’ve always wonder why people often pointless assume me to be a person I am not without truly putting in effort to know me as a person.

I think I am like a glass trinket box covered by a piece of cloth, if you took the effort to unveil the fabric, my contents are clearly visible. Just like those typical combat strategies, when dealing with an opponent who uses long range attacks, the best method is to find a way within the range of safety. but hopefully I pray I won’t encounter any more bastards who’ll manage to do so and attack me instead of offering me a handshake of peace.

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