to be ‘semi’

putting my life back in perspective! (: theres something about being semi-alone thats ever so comforting, familiar and safe. of course it’ll be nice to know that there’s somebody who’ll care, listen, cuddle, pamper and kiss the tears away but the crap one has to go through to seek such a uncertain and risky comfort is just not worth it for me. I’d rather remain in a state of ‘semi’ contentment and comfort with solitude than have a taste of that fairy tale like happiness and be disappointed, hurt and feel the loss.

you know how Charlie Brown says he’s afraid to be too happy because theres always the constant fear of bad things happening? I think it describes my thoughts perfectly. I have always been a too easily contented person, all I’d like is to feel like I belong to somebody and that my heart is in a tender and devoted pair of hands, and I can do everything for that person’s happiness. That is the ultimate happiness I dream of. But to receive that ultimate happiness, or to even have a small glimmer of hope that its within reach, and then lose it to elements beyond my control, is just too painful. and to be honest, I don’t feel like I deserve feeling that pain by simply being me. So its better to be contented with small bits of blessings than to be greedy and want the ultimate prize. I feel too sinfully greedy simply by thinking about it.

its not that I’m scared to risk everything to peruse somebody dear, just that why bother trying when I can predict the outcome? You know the cliche, the plain jane that is nothing more than a good friend providing a listening ear? thats me. and to be honest, I’m quite happy to be that and just that, because I am fully aware that being trusted is a virtue and that its probably the only one I have. So why expect the impossible of being deemed a lovable female when I am good at being a reliable friend?

 

I know it may be selfish of me, but I want a guy who’ll risk everything we have just to try and peruse something more, something eternal and something I call ‘the big piece of happiness’. Ultimately, I want that guy to have faith in my personality, to have faith that I am the kind of person who will not give up on the friendship even if a relationship fails.

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