le sigh (of contentment)

as I was bent over and puking, feeling the bitter and sour bile and gastric juices spew out of my mouth and burning my throat, I feel this nostalgia. I remember how I got the white little scar on my left chin, I remember why I hate catching a disease that I can’t hide the symptoms of. Its funny how feeling light headed always makes me suddenly have flashbacks of memories connected to a certain sensation. Its neither a black or a white out, just this trance like feeling accompanied by cold limbs and quivering lips but it is at that moment that my mind feels so awake, the adrenaline rushes and i can almost imagine the end of my life feeling somewhat like this, just my body feeling lighter and lighter while my mind plays me snippets of things I remember fondly and those that I don’t like as much too.

i remember being very suspicious and guarded when I was young, scared that people will try to feed me meat disguised as something non-meaty looking, scared that I’ll wake up to arguments, and whenever there was silence and I felt uncomfortable I’ll put on a brave front and break the ice. I was afraid of falling sick because I didn’t want to be a trouble, I didn’t want to become a reason an argument starts. Then I thought to myself I can’t wait to grow up.

then in my teens I was just gloomy; I felt helpless, scared, unwanted and useless. I was just cocooning myself in this facade that I think will keep unneeded people out while I wait for those who truly want to know me to approach. Then I slowly accepted that I need learn how to trust and have faith. To believe that being real and true will bring me happiness. I was moved and inspired by those words, but not so ready to take action.

then in my late teens, I wanted to change, I realized that to grow up, I need to stop being the worm in the cocoon of black scary clothes and the long black hair that i use to hide my face. But I know clearly I’ve not grown wings to fly yet. So I ventured out to seek nourishments, of courage, of confidence, of belonging and of security and trust. To be honest this was the awkward phase, I was myself of the past and trying to be myself I envision in the future so the present is an irony. I was scared, but I was out of my comfort zone, of course not without my defenses. Then I wanted to belong yet I want to be liberated. I wanted to be alive yet apart of me aches to know I’m just using up air. I was ashamed that I hid behind textbooks I have always hated to avoid social interactions, yet the papers I obtained from it became the sword I wielded to keep my imaginary foes at a distance. Or rather its like a cheap wooden pedestal that makes me slightly taller but people imagined it to be a fortress of sturdy bricks armed with canons. I do it knowing full well that the sword is blunt and doesn’t cut, that the so called fortress is a three legged stool. Its a white elephant and a tiny dagger can easily kill me. So there I was, a cowardly little knight in her armor of black clothes trying to look like a formidable sorcerer. (to think my mum use to say I’m like a piece of tofu inside out, I now understood what she meant)

Then as I slowly reach adulthood, I have come to terms with all my awkwardness. I have learnt to trust (yet never let my guard down too readily) and I see myself scared to grow up. Even if I lived a hundred times I can never be sure I will never hurt a person. I get careless too for I can get muddle-headed when I over estimate myself and carry too much I can bear. But then I have accepted that as long as I bear no malicious intents and I will always stay to nurse the wound, I don’t want to live a hundred times with my life played in loop over phases of regrets so I can undo it. Instead I will just live it once and move on and see what unfolds and see where my efforts take me and how much sadness I can sooth.

I used to secretly wish I wouldn’t live very long, I always imagined myself being rather young on my deathbed, I’m out in nature, knowing my time is almost up and I retreat to me alone and wait for the moment i take my last breath and leave. To just disappear from society and not be a trouble as I embark on my “afterlife”. and then my carcass will return to the earth, and hopefully millions of years later I become a drop of fossil fuel and be useful. but now I’m afraid of falling sick, of my health failing. I want to linger around longer and live, make mistakes, cry, laugh, love, breath and just see what I’m capable of. One of my biggest goals now is to have children when I’m older (when I have the means to nurture and care). If by any chance I can’t conceive, I’d like to care for less fortunate children, help them grow up so they can experience life and have a chance of break the cycle of deprivation. and of course I always want to make the world a cozier and happier place, I don’t exactly know perfect formula and I don’t think there’ll ever be, but I want to make enough so it sums up to a 100%. So I’m actually scared when I feel sick, weak or like today, vomit digestive secretions out. I was scared to see the yellow bile swirling in the sink. I wondered if I’m still healthy, or if years of neglect has ruined my relatively young adult body.

but here I am thankful that I’m back to normal, feeling contented and thankful for everyday I am given to become the butterfly I wish to become.

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