we grow, we change, we fade

I have always wanted to age gracefully (not solely for vanity purposes) so if I lived to 80, I would be active, independent and dignified. I want to spend my last few days remembered as wise and active. I would like to be mobile (without walking aids) and retain a clear mind. of course I’d like to have my vision and hearing intact too. I firmly believe as long as I am able to move and think I will naturally look somewhat radiant even if my skin wrinkles and my hair greys.

then somewhere along the way, I stopped wanting longevity, I became fine with being unhealthy because I didn’t think its essential to live till I’m hunched. I’m actually happy to depart in my late 60s. But I’m sure if I have yet to complete my bucket list I’ll try to prolong my lifespan.

so technically, right now I am a third through my life and I have wasted all these years worrying and trying to make some people happy. I wasted 21 years of my life trying to get good grades and trying to like math and be good at it.

on a more sombre and serious note, I really saw my life flash through my mind when i was sitting on the chair in the living room spacing out and attempting to blank my mind and meditate. its almost like my mind made a stop motion of my life and it played once through and self destructed for top secrecy purposes. I don’t remember much details but the sense of nostalgia and the realization that I am different from how I am expected to be and how I have surprised many as I grow up and became who I am today.

as I get older, I have less ambitions. Its a result of partly knowing the harshness of reality and feeling powerless against the much greater forces of the capitalists at work. There is also a part of me that decides to stop being naive and somewhat ‘hypocritical’ by trying to do the ‘right’ thing when I understand that to save ally he forests and animals and stop global warming to the ice won’t melt and polar bears won’t turn entirely cannibalistic and penguins and seals won’t cease to have a resting place. I’ve always dreamed of ridding the world of poverty and famine. Lets be honest, to do so, I need to be a smart, powerful, rich, charismatic, diplomatic and inventive dictator. Only by ‘taking over the world’ will I be able to put all the policies and plans I have came up in my head to work and I can change the world.

chances of that happenning? 0. because for me to achieve total world domination, many needless sacrifices have to be made through war. I do not believe in making people labour and sacrafise for my cause. and of course, I hate the notion of war itself, it is merely a modern day weapons-of-mass-destruction marketing strategy created by developed countries with means of creating them. I despise politics hence that explains why I could never take over the world. So I have decided to just let the world die so corrupted humanity can be gone along with it a few centuries down the road. all my loved ones I will be semi fossil fuel by then so I really shouldn’t care.

and this is how I have concluded that I have changed and the once quietly ambition person i used to be is just now a simply plain jane devoided of all her nearly impossible dreams.

by the time I’m wise and old enough for politics, I’d rather be happily retired and traveling around the world, paying with my pets and pruning my garden.


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